just over a week later

so I missed most of last weeks classes. I made it to a few on Wednesday. I also called into my clinic and made an appointment with my Psych Nurse on Wednesday because I didn't dare take more Xanax than prescribed. I am a recovering addict as well.
Made it to one meeting on Thursday evening that I love, but barely made it through that. Realized that I have set myself up here totally independent. I have no snuggle partners within range. That will allow me to be weak for a bit. For some reason Thursday evening my ex texted to see if he could come over and I said yes. That back story is way too long to get into now. He was super gentle and cuddled for a while. It really helped. Unfortunately even though I woke up feeling great, I had shut off my alarm and slept through my classes on Friday.
Over the weekend I had agreed to do phone banks for the college radio station for a trivia game. I was scheduled for 15 hours...ended up putting in 26(out of 50), not including the time for the awards ceremony and the bar after. (no, I didn't not drink... even though I was offered.) I felt so awesome. People were respectful, intelligent and kind. I pulled out an old persona for the weekend "Alice". Managed not to sleep with anyone. Relaxed more than I have in years. Got my Tshirt. Crashed late Sunday night.
Woke up Monday morning, completely FREAKED Out. I smelled like a male. Totally smelled like testosterone. Like I was a male or I had been active with several for a long time. (this fits in with not seeing my face in the mirror last week but seeing a male's face) I had not been active with anyone. I couldn't figure out how to get Alice to go back into her box so I could be my responsible self again and go back into being in control of me again. Alice is the fun me, she gets to relax, and not be responsible. I have to keep control or I might slip up. If I don't stay in control, things don't get done.
So Monday I freaked and didn't go to school because I didn't smell like me. I didn't know who was in control of me. Tuesday, my ARMHS worker showed up for my weekly meeting(inspection), I freak her out... she thinks I am a freak anyway. Never had to deal with someone like me. Some one cognitive enough to understand the logical part of what makes no sense with my mental illness. Then I skip class again after freaking her out, she is a trained professional, what would regular people think of me if professionals can't handle me.
I head to my Therapist appointment. She is really concerned about me. She writes a note to the college for me that she has never seen my symptoms this bad. Is happy I am set up to see my Psych Nurse Wednesday. We talk all hour. We discuss that I have tried all the cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) stuff I have learned over the years in treatments and institutions. On the way home I get so freaked out that I have to call the Sartell Police to talk me out of a panic attack so I can drive the 5 miles home. I am sure they thought I was insane. Phone calls to people and crisis centers don't work, I need a physical being there to talk to me. 
Wednesday, I make it to all but two of my classes. I head down to see my Psych Nurse. She had already talked to my therapist. Thank goodness. My 30 minute appointment went on for an hour. (She never does that.) I am now trying out a new mood stabilizer, I haven't had much luck with those in the past. But I am willing to try most anything. She offered to up my Xanax but I said no. I don't want to rely on that stuff. 
She also reminded me that the last time I had bad symptoms from my schizotypal was a year and a half ago. (at least that I reported to them) That schizotypal has to be rode out with therapy because meds only treat the symptoms. I have to go easy on myself. I am doing amazing. Quit expecting perfection. I am doing so much better than I should. I have control over two addictions that most people never a) live to accomplish or b) learn to give up. I am in college, most people with my disorders can not do that. I have to relax. I have to quit worrying about what happens if I lose control one of these times and I don't survive it... because "I have always survived in the past and I always will." I find that faulty logic. 
I see it as walking blindfolded toward the edge of a cliff. Every breakdown brings me closer. I don't know how much closer. I don't know if I am a mile away or an inch. But eventually.... 
Besides what is the worst if Alice survives and I don't? ....   Alice may be fun, but she forgets there is a price to pay for things... all things... and people tend to get hurt around Alice.