just over a week later

so I missed most of last weeks classes. I made it to a few on Wednesday. I also called into my clinic and made an appointment with my Psych Nurse on Wednesday because I didn't dare take more Xanax than prescribed. I am a recovering addict as well.
Made it to one meeting on Thursday evening that I love, but barely made it through that. Realized that I have set myself up here totally independent. I have no snuggle partners within range. That will allow me to be weak for a bit. For some reason Thursday evening my ex texted to see if he could come over and I said yes. That back story is way too long to get into now. He was super gentle and cuddled for a while. It really helped. Unfortunately even though I woke up feeling great, I had shut off my alarm and slept through my classes on Friday.
Over the weekend I had agreed to do phone banks for the college radio station for a trivia game. I was scheduled for 15 hours...ended up putting in 26(out of 50), not including the time for the awards ceremony and the bar after. (no, I didn't not drink... even though I was offered.) I felt so awesome. People were respectful, intelligent and kind. I pulled out an old persona for the weekend "Alice". Managed not to sleep with anyone. Relaxed more than I have in years. Got my Tshirt. Crashed late Sunday night.
Woke up Monday morning, completely FREAKED Out. I smelled like a male. Totally smelled like testosterone. Like I was a male or I had been active with several for a long time. (this fits in with not seeing my face in the mirror last week but seeing a male's face) I had not been active with anyone. I couldn't figure out how to get Alice to go back into her box so I could be my responsible self again and go back into being in control of me again. Alice is the fun me, she gets to relax, and not be responsible. I have to keep control or I might slip up. If I don't stay in control, things don't get done.
So Monday I freaked and didn't go to school because I didn't smell like me. I didn't know who was in control of me. Tuesday, my ARMHS worker showed up for my weekly meeting(inspection), I freak her out... she thinks I am a freak anyway. Never had to deal with someone like me. Some one cognitive enough to understand the logical part of what makes no sense with my mental illness. Then I skip class again after freaking her out, she is a trained professional, what would regular people think of me if professionals can't handle me.
I head to my Therapist appointment. She is really concerned about me. She writes a note to the college for me that she has never seen my symptoms this bad. Is happy I am set up to see my Psych Nurse Wednesday. We talk all hour. We discuss that I have tried all the cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) stuff I have learned over the years in treatments and institutions. On the way home I get so freaked out that I have to call the Sartell Police to talk me out of a panic attack so I can drive the 5 miles home. I am sure they thought I was insane. Phone calls to people and crisis centers don't work, I need a physical being there to talk to me. 
Wednesday, I make it to all but two of my classes. I head down to see my Psych Nurse. She had already talked to my therapist. Thank goodness. My 30 minute appointment went on for an hour. (She never does that.) I am now trying out a new mood stabilizer, I haven't had much luck with those in the past. But I am willing to try most anything. She offered to up my Xanax but I said no. I don't want to rely on that stuff. 
She also reminded me that the last time I had bad symptoms from my schizotypal was a year and a half ago. (at least that I reported to them) That schizotypal has to be rode out with therapy because meds only treat the symptoms. I have to go easy on myself. I am doing amazing. Quit expecting perfection. I am doing so much better than I should. I have control over two addictions that most people never a) live to accomplish or b) learn to give up. I am in college, most people with my disorders can not do that. I have to relax. I have to quit worrying about what happens if I lose control one of these times and I don't survive it... because "I have always survived in the past and I always will." I find that faulty logic. 
I see it as walking blindfolded toward the edge of a cliff. Every breakdown brings me closer. I don't know how much closer. I don't know if I am a mile away or an inch. But eventually.... 
Besides what is the worst if Alice survives and I don't? ....   Alice may be fun, but she forgets there is a price to pay for things... all things... and people tend to get hurt around Alice. 

Fear of Self

It is late, I should head to bed. I can't miss classes again tomorrow. I already took the last two days off. I work with student disability services so I get free medical days off. But if I miss lectures I don't learn as well.
I have a call into my therapist. I am going to try to call again tomorrow. And to call my psych nurse. The Xanax isn't working at all anymore.
Hi, I am 38. A non traditional student back in college after 20 years of insanity, drugs, alcohol and abuse (including self abuse). Thankfully I am very intelligent and classes keep me on track pretty well. Then things go weird for no reason. I have been diagnosed with many things.. the standing current diagnosis are Schizotypal Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder with bouts of Major Depression.
I had a wonderful weekend. A date with a gorgeous female that went differently than planned but was awesome anyway. Then I was able to be with my best friend and her daughters for her birthday. I woke up Monday with a migraine (very common). I took the day off, got some sleep. Then bad things happened that night... girls from a different apartment were camped outside my door on their cellphones being loud and rude. I asked them to leave. I filed a noise complaint. Nothing happened. I have issues with people in my space. I also have therapy cats that get upset with people in my space who they can't see. So I have to listen to loud stupid females being rude, crappy music and my cats freaking out while I am trying to study.
This all effects my personality disorders... I start panicking. My chest clenches up. My heart pounds faster and weaker. My breathing gets shallower. I start having panic attacks.
My friends online talk me down a bit. I try to sleep. Even with my meds, it is impossible. I am up too late. I skip classes today as well.
I decide that I need to do something to get out of this panic rut. So I decide to donate my hair to Locks of Love. Doing something for others usually helps me. I get in my car, head 30 miles to where my best friend lives.  I start imagining things on the way up there. All the conservative looking upper 40 to mid 60s guys driving started looking like mean hard ass cops that bust hippie liberal queer folk like me for the fun of it or corrupt government agents. I start having panic attacks as I am driving. My whole body shaking just positive that some guy was going to pull me over, drag me out of my car and beat the shit out of me just for looking at him wrong.
I got to my friend's apartment. And once inside her door. I was safe again. We hung out so I could settle a bit. Then she drove me to donate. I was fine as she drove, I was fine at the stylist. I was fine back at her house. Then I had to come home. I cannot miss another day of classes, even with a medical excuse. I miss too much I need to know in class.
I get in my car. I am fine leaving town because I am actually following a real police car. I get back on the Highway and I start freaking out again. I make it home with no emergency. Up in my apartment, I am safe again. I have been home 3 hours. I took a Xanax, I am still freaking shaking. I am kind of scared to leave my computer chair and go to bed. I have never been afraid of my bed. Or any part of my apartment. I don't dare take another Xanax. My Psych nurse told me not to sleep on them because I will be more clumsy than usual in the morning and may actually hurt myself.
I know once I get into a class tomorrow I will be ok. But I have to take a bus to campus. Walk to my classes. Between my classes. I set up safe spaces on campus but now my main one is blocked by a group of haters that make it really hard for me to walk by them. I have classes until 9pm then I have to take a special late bus home.
The killer is nothing bad has happened to me here. I am terrified of everything again. I have absolutely no reason to be. I have cut major ties to people who hurt me and that are untrustworthy. I have distanced myself from my old life. I am not a victim anymore. I am a huge activist for equal rights, animal rights and victims rights. I do volunteer work in so many forms. But right now I am terrified again of nothing. Of ghosts from my past. Things I keep putting to rest. Things that may not even be real. I can go a long long time and be so strong and help everyone... but no one seems to realize that I can't even help myself. I am still drowning. I am still afraid. I still remember what it is like to be caged. I fight because I have to. If I no long have something to fight for, there is nothing left of me. There is nothing in me anymore, all I am is what I can give others. I don't even have a voice of my own... or an identity. The face I saw in the mirror tonight is not mine.
I do not even exist. I am a mad man's creation. I do not belong here. Not that I do not want to bring happiness, joy, peace and love to all I can.
Crap, I am babbling insanity again. I need to sleep. The story will change tomorrow. Or the mask will be back.